Engineer Humor
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Dilbert "The Knack"
Redneck Engineering Exam
- Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
- Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO.
- If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
- A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will it take to cut the trees?
- If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
- A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
- A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
- A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic on secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?
- A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
- At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?
Top Engineering Terms and Expressions
(What engineers say versus what they mean)
1. A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still guessing at this point.)
2. Close project coordination.
(We sat down and had coffee together.)
3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach.
(We just hired three punk kids out of school.)
4. Major technological breakthrough!
(It works OK, but looks very hi-tech!)
5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured.
(We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)
6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
7. Test results were extremely gratifying!
(Unbelievable, it actually worked!)
8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only guy who understood the thing quit.)
9. It is in process.
(It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)
10. We will look into it.
(Forget it! We have enough problems already.)
11. Please note and initial.
(Let's spread the responsibility for this.)
12. Give us the benefit of your thinking.
(We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with
what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)
13. Give us your interpretation.
(We can't wait to hear your bull.)
14. See me or let's discuss.
(Come to my office, I've screwed up again.)
15. All new.
(Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)
16. Rugged.
(Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)
17. Robust!
(Rugged, but more so)
18. Light weight.
(Slightly lighter than rugged)
19. Years of development.
(One finally worked)
20. Energy saving.
(Achieved when the power switch is off.)
21. No maintenance.
(Impossible to fix)
22. Low maintenance.
(Nearly impossible to fix)
23. Fax me the data.
(I'm too lazy to write it down.)
24. We are following the standard!
(That's the way we have always done it!)
25. I didn't get your e-mail.
(I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)